Hold Your Horses, Bears Fans: A Wild, Wacky, and Win-Worthy Guide to the Number One Pick Dream!
Look, let’s get this out of the way, chief. The Chicago Bears currently have a winning record! Yeah, I said it. At 5-3 in this particular snapshot of the universe (because let’s be real, time is a flat circle when you follow this team), we're talkin' about a squad that's actually got a shot at the playoffs, or at the very least, a mid-first-round draft pick. A number one overall selection? That's some Grade-A, gourmet, fantasy football fever dream stuff right now. It would take a total, mind-boggling, cinematic-level meltdown of epic proportions. But hey, we're Bears fans. We've seen things. We believe in the impossible. So, buckle up, buttercup, because we’re diving headfirst into the utterly bonkers, theoretical steps required for the Monsters of the Midway to somehow snag that golden ticket.
Step 1: The Great Implosion – A Full-Throttle Reverse Gear
To get that coveted number one pick, you need to be the absolute worst team in the National Football League. No cap. The draft order is essentially the upside-down standings of the non-playoff teams, with the biggest loser getting the biggest prize. For a 5-3 team, this isn't just about losing; it's about a complete system failure that would make an old Pinto look reliable.
1.1 Embrace the Skid Mark
The Bears need to lose every single remaining game. I’m talking about a losing streak so profound, so devastating, that historians will write sonnets about the futility of it all. We need to go from "playoff hopeful" to "we might get shut out by a high school team" in a hurry.
Imagine the announcers trying to keep a straight face as the Bears find new and inventive ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Late-game fumbles? Sure. Interceptions returned for touchdowns by the opponent’s mascot? We need it all!
1.2 Strength of Schedule: The Secret Sauce of Suck
Tip: Slow down at important lists or bullet points.
If (and this is a huge 'if') the Bears miraculously end up tied with another team for the worst record in the league, the tiebreaker is Strength of Schedule (SOS). This is the combined winning percentage of all the teams you played. To win the tiebreaker for the highest pick (i.e., the lowest number), you actually need to have the lowest SOS.
This means all those teams the Bears did beat earlier in the season? They need to start losing. A lot. If the Bears' opponents start winning, it makes the Bears look better by comparison, and that’s a no-go for the number one spot. We need a league-wide collapse of our past opponents. It’s a total mess, but hey, the draft is a cruel mistress.
 |
| Can The Chicago Bears Get The Number 1 Pick |
Step 2: The Competition Must Be Even Worse, Which Is Just... Yikes
Right now, there are teams hovering around the bottom of the barrel—teams with records like 1-8 or 2-7. To pass them for the top pick, the Bears can't just lose; those other teams have to start doing the unthinkable: winning.
2.1 Cheer for Chaos (In Other Cities)
Bears fans have to become the biggest, most ironic cheerleaders for the New Orleans Saints (1-8), the Tennessee Titans (1-8), and the New York Jets (1-7), among other bottom-feeders.
You heard me, folks! You need to root for a 40-year-old backup QB to go on a five-game winning streak. You need the Titans’ kicker to suddenly develop the leg of a mule. Every victory by a sub-par team is another giant, goofy leap forward for the Bears' draft position. It's truly a bizarro world scenario.
2.2 The Trade-Down Time Warp
Tip: Take notes for easier recall later.
This is the sneaky, back-door route to the number one pick that the Bears mastered last year (for the 2024 draft). The only way the Bears can get the number one pick without being the worst team is if another team manages to be the worst team, and the Bears own their first-round pick.
Since the Bears already traded away their future first-round picks to acquire the superstar QB and WR they have now (in this current reality), the only way this works is if General Manager Ryan Poles pulls off a trade so ludicrous, so mind-bending, that the NFL will need to investigate. Picture this: Trading a slightly-used water cooler and a seventh-round pick to a future 1-15 team for their next year's first-rounder. It's a pipe dream, but a funny one.
Step 3: The Spiritual and Financial Alignment
Getting the number one pick isn't just a win-loss thing; it’s a total philosophical commitment. This is where the funny gets real.
 |
3.1 The Head Coach’s Existential Crisis
The head coach needs to, shall we say, "lose his mojo." We're not talking about bad play-calling; we're talking about calling plays that make you scratch your head so hard you need a helmet. Like, running a QB sneak on 3rd and 18. He needs to become a cartoon villain of inefficiency, all while maintaining a super nice, AdSense-friendly demeanor.
Bold Move: In one game, maybe the team runs a triple reverse flea flicker on three consecutive plays, all resulting in a loss of yardage. It’s not "tanking," which is a no-no, it's just "experimental offensive schematics." Wink, wink.
3.2 The Fan's Fickle Heart
QuickTip: Pause after each section to reflect.
Bears fans have to collectively agree to endure this tsunami of terrible for a future payoff. It’s a true test of loyalty. You're not just watching the game; you're watching the stock market of draft picks.
Every missed field goal is a tiny "ding!" in your brain, confirming your investment is paying off. You have to actively root against the laundry you wear. It's insane, man! It’s like rooting for a flat tire on your own Ferrari to get a free oil change. It makes no sense, but it’s the Bears life.
FAQ Questions and Answers
How does the NFL determine the number one overall pick?
The number one overall pick in the NFL Draft is awarded to the non-playoff team with the worst regular-season record from the prior year. If multiple teams are tied with the same worst record, the pick order is determined by a tiebreaker, starting with Strength of Schedule (SOS)—the team with the lowest combined winning percentage of opponents gets the higher pick.
What are the chances of the Bears currently getting the number one pick?
Real talk? Slim to none given the current 5-3 record. A team would have to lose almost every remaining game, and almost every other bottom-tier team would have to start winning, to even have a shot at one of the top five picks, let alone the number one overall spot. They're currently positioned for a mid-round pick.
Tip: Focus on sections most relevant to you.
What does "Strength of Schedule" mean in the draft context?
Strength of Schedule (SOS) in the draft context is the combined winning percentage of all the teams a specific team played against that season. For draft tiebreakers, the team with the lower SOS (meaning they played an easier slate of opponents) is given the higher draft pick.
How can a team that makes the playoffs get the number one pick?
A playoff-bound team can only get the number one pick if they own the draft pick of the team that finishes with the worst record in the league. This is achieved through a trade made in a previous season, often involving a massive package of draft capital.
Can players or coaches "tank" for a better draft pick?
The NFL prohibits "tanking," which is the intentional effort by teams to lose games. While players and coaches are always competing to win for their jobs and pride, front offices can make decisions—like trading away veteran players for future draft picks or giving playing time to younger, unproven talent—that result in a worse record and thus a higher draft position. This is often framed as a "rebuild" strategy, not outright tanking.
Would you like me to whip up another wild, fictional scenario for a different team's improbable Super Bowl run?
 |
